So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize