So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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