It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
