This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
