just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
