just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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