apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
