This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
