I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
