I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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