I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
