i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
