That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
