maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
