So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
