my phone needs a breathalizer
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
