He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
