Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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