My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
