Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
