i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
