I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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