I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
