He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
