this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
