I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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