i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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