i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
