My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
