Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
