Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
