I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
