I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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