Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
