you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
