i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
