Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
