i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
