Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
