he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
