i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
