I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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