The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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