then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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