My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
