Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
