I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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