I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
