So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
nutella sex= disaster
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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