You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
420 ftw
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
