A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
