my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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