She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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