Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
