Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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