I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
