Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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