Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
